The Conflict Within
“The greatest BATTLE a Man will ever fight is the battle against HIMSELF”.
My second year in College was the first time I really knew God. A walk into peace and certainty, finally felt part of something and this time I was totally sure it was going to last. I found something so accurate, too tangible and real that my mind, overwhelmed by so much joy and certainty didn’t have the time to be logical with my heart I just believed. I wanted to be part of that family, God’s family.
I’m sure you know what I’m talking about – The coming into service with expectations too rich to fizzle away and a spunk that’s unsinkable, the understanding that comes when the word is preached and Oh! the praise, that worship and praise so sincere.
Yes! He is here, the one who calls me out of darkness is here and He is not leaving. The reality of God expresses itself deeply to us in ways only God can explain, and that’s probably why I’m still unable to put in words what exactly happened and why it did.
So, what Happened?
TRUTH served alongside a basket of Freedom had presented itself to me through God’s love, but now suddenly I’m faced with a very tasty bowl of Self. Ignited within was a conflict, a conflict that waged war against my soul. I struggled with the fear of losing God and the fear of losing myself to God – contradicting right?
I was like a king who was about to lose his crown from dancing aimlessly in the rain and several times, I got into a frenzy with confusion, forgetting all I had come to know about God. “Who I am wasn’t going to be lost just because God says so”, I thought. There was a part of me that was very displeased indeed. The war within me consisted of a desire to please only God and another side I never knew existed, one that yearned to be satisfied.
A war between truths – The truth I had come to know about God and the mindset that served as truth to me throughout the course of my life.
Its been two years now and I’m still fighting this battle, and as the one who has received Christ’s salvation you’ll probably be doing the same – Fighting this war between truths, however now I’m able to see myself from outside myself – The conscious decisions I never took, all the filthiness that dwelt within and most of all My scarred Identity.
According to Van Moody, God’s love isn’t just about helping us feel better. God’s love is about helping us be better—helping one become a stronger, wiser, more compassionate, more whole person equipped to fulfill His great plans for your life. . . .” (Van Moody, The I-Factor devotional.).
The reality of God, salvation and Christianity overrides the mere understanding that God is just a ‘feel good machine’ or ‘a figment of our imagination’, it however opens a whole nother chapter of what is, what isn’t and what shouldn’t be.
“Therefore if anyone is in Christ [that is, grafted in, joined to Him by faith in Him as Savior], he is a new creature [reborn and renewed by the Holy Spirit]; the old things [the previous moral and spiritual condition] have passed away. Behold, new things have come [because spiritual awakening brings a new life]”.
2 Corinthians 5:17